. . .

I'm out of words lately. No matter how such thing touch my heart, I can't translate them into writings. Which really upset me so much since I'm a word person. People around me notice my facial expression - they claimed I look rather sad. However, that's not the case. Something does bother me but sad it's not the word to relate to it.

I no longer observe. I simply pass by, sit in between the peace or the mayhem then continue on the journey without having anything learned. (I am emotionless!) Then, praying again and again to start everything all over again, hoping there's always another chance for me to learn from.

I think of Allah - most of the time. I have my own version of communicating with Him. Lately though, I notice I hardly pray for guidance. I normally practice Al-Kahfi:10 after performing my solat but not recently. So I tend to feel empty right after every decision I made - that includes how I behave, words I choose to talk, whom I'm looking at, how I spend my time etc.

I wish I can pause the moment, then flip through my life history - repeat whatever necessary and if possible destroy certain chapters. But no, I can't do that. Life goes on. Every breath I take will be asked later. I'm trying to be strong or at least stable. I don't want any decision made based on my emotions towards certain individual. I want to stay calm and relax . No I actually want to feel determine. I don't think I've ever experience that.

So I want to feel it now. Hopefully soon.