-annoyed-

when it is supposed to be your job and you give pathetic reasons to pass it to someone else.

Zarina ; (try) to never do this. People will disrespect you.

Can't deal with my own nafs

sometimes I wish I wasn't born human.

I envy to other creatures, as they are not responsible for the action taken.

Life in this world is so short not any sins worth considering doing.

Istighfar accompany but seems like its never enough.

I'm dying : is a phrase I keep playing in mind. This helps me determine my behavior but not so much on my thoughts and emotion. Jihad needs to take over otherwise I'd be suffocate in my own nafs (Nauzubillah).

I waltz silently alone as how I always prefer.

However, the gentle reminders from people around keeps me focus.

Sometimes I hope everything would end soon but honestly terrified if I'm 'invited' unprepared.

Bismillahi tawakaltu alAllah.

May Allah guide my every step, amin.

Bismillah

I've been thinking about this matter for quite some times already.

It's about baby.

Now, it's rather super annoying when people around keep asking me about my child. Deep in my heart, I believe they are safe up there at where they are truly belong at the moment.

Allah will give them to me when I'm ready.

Sympathy look from others just make me sick. I appreciate the concern and suggestion but honestly,

My Imam and I are not rushing into having one soon and we are definitely not declining the sweet idea of having one soon either. We leave everything in the hand of Allah.

Not so much on My Imam part, but as for me, insyaAllah I intend on having a couple before I reach my 30... but I don't know which 20's I can bear a child in my tummy considering now that I am already 25!

Fears play major role in me about motherhood. I came across a quote once - once a mother will always be a mother. The truth? It's terrifying.

Life-time commitment that only Allah knows how and when I'll be ready.

Now, it's actually funny because thinking again : it never occurred to me, to be afraid of having a child. When I was single, the idea of having my own was 7th heaven! I even have their names prepared already. You can ask anyone (who knows me well), they'll say I'm in love with children and (some) children are in love with me. But then, loving children and possessing them are two different thing.

I went through the obsessed phase once. It was around 8 months after I got married. God, knows how bad it was. Months after months passed and no sign of pregnancies was depressing. I desperately want to get pregnant. I spent most of my days crying on my bed, in the car while driving, before/during/ after any chores done still crying with the idea in mind : I didn't get pregnant.

It was one of the difficult moment I had. It really troubled My Imam. I couldn't see anything associate with babies I'd immediately burst into tears. You name it, baby walker, baby stroller, pregnancy dress its simply anything and I would just collapsed into long cries. Then, I finally get things under my control again. Then only I moved on - steadily.

Days goes by and I suddenly found myself at the fear phase. I'm afraid of a lot of things which most of it are beyond my control. In fact, I'm still stuck at this phase. So I decided not until I can at least erase some of the fear part then only I (hope & pray) to get pregnant.

The people around whom I classify as nosy, I just have to keep myself patient at any remarks made.

When all I wanted to hear is

"I'm sorry."

I am completely have no idea how to deal with betrayal. Never have experience on this one ... until recently. I didn't know how to react, how to respond. I just went numb and cried and cried and cried.

Learning counselling for the past 4 years - didn't help much.

I hold to the idea :

"Whose behavior can you control?"

(Reality Therapy : William Glasser)

still couldn't put my mind in focus. I was hurt, badly hurt. Dealing with betrayal : is not easy.

Especially since I never face it before.

Why do people betray?

Sorry let me rephrase.

Why do you betray? When I trust you, I care about you, I adore you.

I mean, seriously, where do you get the idea, to do this to me?

Another lesson learned.

"Move on Zarina. No more tears. You cried enough. Learn to forgive and forget."

I keep telling myself.

Then I'd answer,

"I forgive that person already, but the quote that was said to me is keep on re-playing in my mind again and again."

Now, I see the importance to forget.

InsyaAllah, it is easily forgiven

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

but not easily forgotten.

Inspiring Human Beings

Ok, apart from my family - I am grateful to Allah for letting me know such amazing characters in my life. These people aren't celebrity or any media figure (yet). They seems ordinary but they are very extra ordinary in their ideas, dedication, field and work. Looking or even just thinking of them put me into motivation to strive for excellence in my work.

May Allah bless all of them for all their deeds and good work.

Amin.

(Paradise) ~

When I should be focusing on the lecture, I struggled just to keep my eyes open from falling asleep. The class is interesting, the knowledge is beneficial, still they didn't help me to concentrate.

Reminding myself - out of so many people, I'm chosen by Allah, selected by Allah to enter this 'paradise'.

Should I not enjoy?

I should.

InsyaAllah.

(betrayal)

such a big word no?

years and years of living. . .

I learned this is one of the thing my heart don't really tolerate well with. I find traitors are disgusting,

so I hope and pray I won't be one, amin.

Zarina Zaimi!

Enough of this daydreaming already. Get your foot back on track! Where did you waste all your precious time to?! Astaghfirullah. Wake up! Life is short! No time should be wasted on petty silly things. You will sleep soon enough before you know it. Come on Zarina. You are a lot better than this. You are in control insyaAllah. No more baby steps. You've learn what you need to know. Maintain what you have and gain what you deserve.

Allahu Akbar!

If I were at a beach,

I'd be standing at a place where it was the most peaceful spot anyone could imagine. Everyone and anyone would 'fight' for that little spot just to have a moment enjoyed in harmony. The breeze was comfortable, very relaxing.

I was happy and I was also happy to see everyone was happy. I smiled.

I breathed in, I breathed out. Subhanallah. It's too good to be true.

However, deep in my heart,

I knew this moment wouldn't last. It would be repeated again, but soon enough I knew it's going to disappear. But while at it, I just want to enjoy and appreciate.

The tsunami have finally 'say hello'. I am terrified but I have nowhere to run. I have to face it. InsyaAllah I will face it. Bismillahi tawakal tu alallah.

~ PASTEL ~

is how I'd describe myself now. Everything seems so pale and light. So soft and delicate. So fragile but yet firm.

I'm not sure how it ended up so pastel. When did it even start. It was so abstract I couldn't grasp most of it. The ups and downs went so crazy, sometimes I even found myself hard to breath. Now... things change 180 degrees. As if I was travelling from one country to another - I found so strange because everything is in peace, masyaAllah! The tree is greener than usual, the flowers are prettier than ever, the air is fresher than before, the people are a lot gentler and care (about me) most of the time.

Pieces I believe missing are in places where they should be. It sometimes don't make sense because they're organized! Afraid this is only temporary : I'm toughen up my emotions. I'm recharging my faith - by reciting Lailaha Ilallah. I'm praying. Allah knows best.

Deep in my heart, I'm praying my life will remain like this, amin.

Duniawi wa ukhrawi, amin.

It's been awhile,

since I last wrote. Ever since I 'met' Facebook, my attention has been divert to it. No, I'm not addicted. But I just feel like getting to 'know' it a little better. I guess that's what normally happen. You get that tingly feelings on things or people you just knew. Get all excited for silly reasons.

After moments apart, I miss my blog more than anything else. I'm a word person and will always be. I feel relieve after pouring my emotions into writings. I feel fresh. I feel calm. Letting 'naughty' emotions go - make me become a better person - because I won't be holding any grudge towards someone. I acknowledge my feelings which I know I am somehow entitle to it. No deny should be taking over. Living in denial is a pure mess.

So deny, I won't. I admit everything - at least to myself and definitely to Allah. Sin, may be attached to some feelings I possess, but I'm learning to let go. I'm finding ways to let go. Nothing lasts - is a cliche. But this quote really put me at ease. My heart at ease. Once my qalb is at ease. Then I find everything is in peace.

InsyaAllah.

;')

I feel like :

wishing U all

Selamat Hari Raya,

Maaf Zahir Batin.

(yes, the wish and quote are simple . . . but it's truly from my heart)

;)

Sincerely from,

Zarina Haji Zaimi

Therapy

How's your Ramadhan so far?

Mine ... not as good as yours I believe.

InsyaAllah I'm trying to have this balance days - trying my best to fulfill with essential amalan, amin.

One of my favorite activities at school (while working) is joining Khalifah Method class with my students. It is conducted by one of our school volunteer Sis Azra.

I don't know why, but I really enjoy her class. It always helps me to muhasabah. Today, she gave out 3 questions - made me numb because I simply could not answer the last 2. I'm immediately feeling not good and discomfort just rushing to me and hug me tightly.

1. __________ is better than receiving.

2. List 4 things you have given this Ramadhan.

3. List 3 ways you have improved yourself this Ramadhan.

Ok, so the 1st question is easily answered definitely. But not sure on the implementation part though. Do I give anything recently?

*sigh*

InsyaAllah am planning to continue this Khalifah Method class : it's simply a therapy.

Alhamdulillah.

Anyway, hope it's not too late to wish you all,

A reward or a challenge?

I’ve been longing to visit this country since forever. I wanted to learn the culture, the language and meeting the locals & definitely to indulge myself with the food. Then, out of the blue, I got an offer. Offer to visit the country. I know it’s not in the state where it is safe and secure to receive any tourist but I am simply wanted to. Well, there are reasons of course. Duh..

Not in a moment where I could perform Istikharah immediately, I flipped through my Tafsir – to get a convincing answer from Ar-Rahman. It was Al-Mumtahanah:6. Then I went to the previous page. It was Al-Mumtahanah:5

"Our Lord, make us not [objects of] torment for the disbelievers and forgive us, our Lord. Indeed, it is You who is the Exalted in Might, the Wise."

(“ Ya Tuhan kami, janganlah Kamu jadikan kami (sasaran) fitnah bagi orang kafir. Dan ampunilah kami, ya Tuhan kami. Sesungguhnya Kamu yang Maha Perkasa, lagi Maha Bijaksana.”)

Al-Mumtahanah:4 was the first part of the doa, it sounded –

"Our Lord! in Thee do we trust, and to Thee do we turn in repentance: to Thee is (our) Final Goal".

("Ya Tuhan Kami, hanya kepada Kamu, kami bertawakal dan hanya kepada Kamu, kami bertaubat dan hanya kepada Kamu, kami kembali.")

It is our Prophet Ibrahim’s doa.

The doa is definitely convincing. It put me straight to the idea on accepting the offer. In fact, I already have. I’m no longer hesitate insyaAllah. But the concern and worry is definitely covering my heart. Just so you know, my heart beat is beating faster day to day. Well, you know : as the day pass by and it’s getting closer to the date insyaAllah I’m departing.

InsyaAllah I’m planning to visit and I will be.

Bismillahi tawakal tu Alallah.

I'm Sorry..

for all the wrongdoings..

For what I did that may have hurt you - emotionally, physically, psychologically etc.

Let's start our ramadhan purely - insyaAllah.

:)

The least

that I could expect from people whom I assume is close to me -

is understanding of my situation when emergency occurs . Otherwise, I'd rather have you stay out of my sight or at least my mind when I have something urgent need to be done.

Don't address any matter that 'bothers' you because I won't be able to attend you, or even to listen to you or pity you.

But please keep in mind:

InsyaAllah whatever it is,

I still love you...

I love you..

Not all children

are easy to like.

Right?

I believe,

healthy relationship is a relationship which I can grow emotionally, intellectually and psychologically.

I feel secure when we are together or even when we are apart. I can expect loyalty as I would return the same. I'd receive adequate amount of attention, just so I can feel that yes, that person loves me. However, if I am in a relationship that makes me suffocates - insyaAllah I won't stop the sillaturahim (as Allah forbids it). I'd adjust to it accordingly. I'd just go with the flow.

So now, I'd just go with the flow.

Reminiscing :)

Now, there..

I don't want to be selfish.

I can't expect people to go my way.

I can't expect people to wait.

To wait for me.

I'm still struggling or in a more Arabic term - mujahadah :')

So when people decide to leave, let them be.

I'm still struggling to 'crawl' let alone to 'walk' or even 'run'.

I appreciate the ni'mah, but I think it's time for me to let go.

I've learned - life is no longer a journey.

It's a race.

Fastabikhul khairat, remember?

So I need someone who can keep up with my pace.