Bismillah

I've been thinking about this matter for quite some times already.

It's about baby.

Now, it's rather super annoying when people around keep asking me about my child. Deep in my heart, I believe they are safe up there at where they are truly belong at the moment.

Allah will give them to me when I'm ready.

Sympathy look from others just make me sick. I appreciate the concern and suggestion but honestly,

My Imam and I are not rushing into having one soon and we are definitely not declining the sweet idea of having one soon either. We leave everything in the hand of Allah.

Not so much on My Imam part, but as for me, insyaAllah I intend on having a couple before I reach my 30... but I don't know which 20's I can bear a child in my tummy considering now that I am already 25!

Fears play major role in me about motherhood. I came across a quote once - once a mother will always be a mother. The truth? It's terrifying.

Life-time commitment that only Allah knows how and when I'll be ready.

Now, it's actually funny because thinking again : it never occurred to me, to be afraid of having a child. When I was single, the idea of having my own was 7th heaven! I even have their names prepared already. You can ask anyone (who knows me well), they'll say I'm in love with children and (some) children are in love with me. But then, loving children and possessing them are two different thing.

I went through the obsessed phase once. It was around 8 months after I got married. God, knows how bad it was. Months after months passed and no sign of pregnancies was depressing. I desperately want to get pregnant. I spent most of my days crying on my bed, in the car while driving, before/during/ after any chores done still crying with the idea in mind : I didn't get pregnant.

It was one of the difficult moment I had. It really troubled My Imam. I couldn't see anything associate with babies I'd immediately burst into tears. You name it, baby walker, baby stroller, pregnancy dress its simply anything and I would just collapsed into long cries. Then, I finally get things under my control again. Then only I moved on - steadily.

Days goes by and I suddenly found myself at the fear phase. I'm afraid of a lot of things which most of it are beyond my control. In fact, I'm still stuck at this phase. So I decided not until I can at least erase some of the fear part then only I (hope & pray) to get pregnant.

The people around whom I classify as nosy, I just have to keep myself patient at any remarks made.