I always find a way..

to soften my heart when people (keep) asking me about baby. I wish I could pause the moment and erase that person memory from asking. I could feel people asking me because they care when some others asking me because they don't. Allah allowed me to come across people making fun of me and my husband for not having baby yet. It hurt so badly that I want to slap that person right on the spot. But until today, I didn't. I would bit my tongue, chocked back my tears and swallowed my words (& pride). Looking at the person straight in the eye and (try super hard) to smile - a faint (+ fake) smile.

Allah knows the best for everyone. I believe in this _ this thought make me calm and strong. I kept on finding reasons why Allah is not giving us baby yet . . . out of so many, there is one that I believe suit my heart the best. Reminiscing . . .

As a child and adolescent, I grew up in 'hell'. I was feeling insecured and neglected all the way. Feeling hopeless and helpless created a few holes in my heart emptied without love. Growing up believing that there is no end to my misery _ somehow make me rather unlovable kind on person. I'm not blaming others for this pain _ in fact I'm thankful, Allah is giving me test so I'm emotionally tough and when I'm happy I'm still able to balance my feeling and feel grateful to Allah.

Before married, my husband and I, we didn't date like others, though we did contact through emails and phone calls so at one point I believe Allah is allowing us to have more time of our own before He is giving us a baby to be responsible to. Through my husband, Allah is instilling my heart with love and care so hopefully by the time we have a child I'm capable enough to love someone whole-heartedly, unconditionally.

I'm feeling a bit relief after writing this. Deep in my heart, I know Allah will give us one when we are ready from His perspective just when He allow me to marry when I'm ready from His perspective. Alhamdulillah for the guidance Ya Rabb. Keep guiding me please, amin.